When New Wife and Old Wife Collide - Advice

Among all the trials and tribulations of Separation and Divorce, this is one that’s hard to prepare for.  All the advice points towards “Be the Bigger Person”, “Accept that this is the way it is now”, “He’s moved on so you should too”, but the reality is often somewhat different.

I always considered that it was me who had let go easiest and moved on (emotionally at least) the quickest, so I was surprised at the impact and outcome of this accidental meeting.  I was out for a walk one beautiful sunny morning, feeling good and enjoying life, when I saw them approach in the distance.  Heart pounded.  What to do?  I could turn back and hope they hadn’t spotted me or keep going and meet this collision head on.  On I went – head held as high as I possible could.

My Mind was Racing

With each step closer I assessed the situation. What I was wearing, how I looked, was my hair okay?  Being on my own was another immediate concern.  Here they were – a happy couple walking along hand in hand, enjoying the sunshine, while here I was walking alone.  What did this look like to them – Belinda no mates.  Will they think I’m lonely?  My mind was racing.

Then they saw me and the awkwardness was palpable, even from a distance.  No one ever expects to be in this situation so it’s difficult for all concerned.  When you’re a happily married person, you never contemplate being here, on this day, in this circumstance, so there is no real preparation.    In that moment, everything else around disappeared and we were alone in that space.  I had to remind myself to breathe. 

Judgement Levels Were in Overdrive

As we met, it was evident we were aware of our different titles, new wife, old wife.  We shook each other’s hand as my ex stepped just a fraction closer to her – almost in a protective, even defiant move.  Here I was – shaking hands with the woman my ex husband now loved, while she was shaking hands with the woman her husband used to love and had a family with. Under the surface judgement levels were in overdrive.

In the Moment I Chose Smiles and Kindness

Obviously, I had hoped she wasn’t good looking, thin, pleasant (I’m only human) and was disappointed on all counts. I’m a natural talker so I led the conversation, determined to show just how jolly and fabulous I was – not lonely or alone!  We chatted on, each assessing the others situation. No doubt, emotions were high, with indecision and embarrassment creeping in.  But in the moment, without even recognising I was doing so, I chose smiles, kindness and pleasantries.  I offered my own witty comments to match theirs and I made it as easy on them as I possibly could. I bid my farewells after what I considered a reasonable time and went on my way.

We were no longer attached in any way

As I walked away I analysed my feelings.  How was I?  I was surprised by how pleased with myself I was.  I felt incredibly proud of the way I’d handled and portrayed myself in the circumstances.  I was relieved that this had happened so accidentally and naturally, without any forced preparation.  Surprisingly I discovered that I was also relieved that he had found someone nice.  I no longer had to worry or wonder about him.  We were no longer attached in any way. We had done the right thing.

He was happier and I was glad!  I wasn’t prepared for that!