Thriving After Separation: Will the Real Me Please Stand up!

While navigating separation it’s really hard to adjust to this new life that has been presented to you.  It’s an emotional abyss that no one wants to be part of, so we often find ourselves negotiation these waters alone.  Even though we may have the valuable support of family and friends who try their best, unless someone has gone through it, it’s really difficult for them to understand the emotional impact.

Before you split, the situation you were living in became the focus and reason for your low self-esteem.  But now that the separation has happened, you find yourself in new territory, presented with a difficult choice – move on with our lives or remain stuck in the turmoil.

Rebuilding confidence and self-esteem after separation or divorce is no different than rebuilding it after any life trauma.  You take small, easy (but necessary) steps to pick up the pieces and find new simple joys.  Unfortunately, no one can do this for you.  It’s a solitary journey that we have to travel alone – which is why we get such great feedback here at Separated.ie as a support and advice service.

Here are some simple tips that can get you kick started.

1. Acknowledge your feelings

It’s ok to feel devastated.  It’s ok to feel fear, sadness, anger, whatever the cocktail of emotions that are, most likely, standard in your daily life.  You may be struggling with the reasons for the separation – either yours or theirs.  But at some point, sooner or later, you realise that ‘It is what it is’ and accept that you can’t change what’s happened.   Find a way of talking about your feelings, either with a trained therapist or counsellor or even with a trusted friend.  Writing down your feelings can go some way toward releasing them.  Move on from denial.

2. Start with small, simple changes.

Many of us throw ourselves into manic busy lives to keep our minds off the stressful things going on.  But to really move on, you need to focus on yourself.  Take 10 minutes every day to be alone with yourself.  Go for a walk, take a bath, or read a book with a nice cup of tea.  There are plenty of brilliant motivation reads that offer great advice on learning the art of moving on in a positive direction.  I hear you say…. “Go for a Walk?” ….  “Are you mad!  I’m way too busy with all this going on”?  But if you wish to move forward, something’s got to change so start with 10 minutes per day.  Do it every day for 30 days, increasing it by a couple of minutes each week and see what the outcome is.  You’ll find it’s a baby step forward.  Give yourself permission.


 

3. Learn to let go.

No one will argue that this is an extremely difficult process but until you let go of bitterness and regret, you remain stuck in the same bad place and that’s harmful.  It’s normal for a period of time to hang on to these feelings but there comes a time when we need to let them go in order for you to progress to a new life.  It’s not a case of forgetting about what happened, it’s not always a case of even forgiving what happened.  In fact, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings and learn from the experiences, to prepare yourself for the wonderful things that are coming next.  There is a life after separation – most often a better life.  You just need to let it go and allow yourself to move on.

4. What makes you truly happy!

If someone asked you that question – what would you say?  What brings a smile to your face - On your own.  By yourself.  What do you enjoy doing?  Where do you enjoy going? Who do you enjoy going with?  What gives you personal comfort? Give yourself some time to think about this and focus on yourself and what really matters to you - individually.  Not to you and your children, but to you alone.

Buy a new notebook and start by making a list.  Be as adventurous as you like.  There are no limits.  It’s amazing when we allow ourselves to delve into these insights, what comes out.  Be prepared for some surprises.  

Realise this will all pass.  This is a time in your life – not your whole life.  Life is a moving river that continues to flow – it doesn’t stay in one place.  Allow yourself to move along with that flow.  

You most likely have additional responsibilities which can cause extra stresses but slow down, lighten up.  Learn to let small stuff pass and not take life too seriously.  Laugh at yourself from time to time. Learn to live in the present – not in the past.

5. Reinvent yourself:

You’re learning more about yourself every day.  You’re coping with all the things that are being thrown at you and you’re getting on with it.  Each time you overcome a particular challenge, no matter how small, you’re growing, so give yourself a pat on the back.  This is a process and your moving along through it.

Do something that you’ve never done before.  Go to the cinema alone, swim in the sea.  Walk through the woods.  Go through your list of what makes you truly happy and start doing them.  Give your self permission to enjoy the feeling of doing what you want rather than what you have to do.  Take a look at the possibilities of what you can do.  You’ve got loads of ideas – start moving through them one by one.

6. Empower Yourself.

These small processes bring personal empowerment which builds your confidence and self-esteem.  Don’t wait for permission or instruction from someone else to do it.  Learn to do it alone.  Even small steps bring great rewards.   You begin to feel your personal power and bit by bit you grow.  You take responsibility for your choices and the power of recovery is in the choices you make. Surround yourself with people who are encouraging and who build you up, not take away from your happiness.

7. Find your new self.

I’ve hear people say – time and again - that after a while their true self emerges.  The freedom that this new-found sense of contentment brings unleashes feelings that had been long lost that return with renewed energy and light-heartedness.

Your separation and divorce is not the book of your life.  It’s just a chapter in the book.

You are about to write the next chapter.  Make it a good one!