How To Tell The Children

Going through separation is one of the toughest situations you will face as a parent. Not only do you have to deal with the practicalities and your own feelings of hurt, anger and bewilderment, you also have to consider the needs and feelings of your children.

Children will remember the moment they are told their parents are separating for the rest of their lives so it is natural to worry and agonise about how best to share this information, about the effect it will have on them and how they will respond.

Be As Organised As You Can

Discuss the scenario in detail before hand and agree on a strategy. You must put your own feelings aside no matter how difficult that may be. Make sure neither parent affords blame to the other parent in front of the children and keep personal emotions at bay as this will only add to your children’s anguish. Decide on who will say what, the general message that you want delivered, where it will take place and what will happen immediately after the news has broken.

Facilitate Questions From The Kids

Physical separation of the parent who will be leaving the family home is the biggest worry to children so it’s essential to tell the children first before it happens, and before they could possibly hear it from some other family member or close friends.

It you are unsure when the physical separation will happen, or if its not likely to happen for a while, consider delaying breaking the news, or the children may think it’s not actually going to happen and then be further upset when it does.

Key things to remember when telling the children

• Children need to be told what to expect.
• They need clear explanations in simple straight forward language so they can understand.
• They need lots of reassurance about the ongoing involvement of the parent who’s leaving with practical examples e.g. a weekend scenario with new living arrangements.
• The need time to take it in, to express their worries and ask questions.
• Telling the children is a gradual process so make sure they understand that it’s just the start of an ongoing conversation.
• Its especially important not to argue in front of the children as this leads to them feeling guilty or somehow responsible for the separation.
• Exposing your children to arguments and disagreements is harmful and extremely stressful for them so you need to develop and maintain a way of working out your disagreements without them hearing.
• Teachers and carers should be informed also so they can help by being supportive and understanding towards your children.
• Most importantly, make sure they know they are loved by both parents and that this will never change no matter what the circumstances.

Remember if separation is handled correctly you can greatly minimise the impact on children.