Separation: It began with a feeling of relief.
One of our community shared their story and it describes the emotional journey so well. Really well written. A must read.
Chapter 7- My story of separation:
It began with a feeling of relief. Relief that I didn't have to pretend anymore, it was now established that we had fallen out of love. There is a sense of relief in finally admitting it verbally to one another. For many years I had very successfully hidden the truth and when it tried to escape I would quickly lock this demon truth back in the closet where it belonged for I had 3 children to rear, a busy job and a house to run, besides I couldn't have this demon escape, I was too afraid of it, the very thought of it terrified me. The young teenager of 19 was now a 36 year old woman and a very different person in ways. But the feeling of relief in letting the demon truth out of the closet to run wild was soon replaced with a feeling of falling. For it ran straight to a cliff and jumped. The adrenalin of the initial jump replaced with a feeling of free falling with no control, breaking the branches of the family tree as I tried to defy gravity. And my children were falling with me, I could see the confusion in their hearts and eyes as we all hurdled to the fast approaching ground.
Chapter 6- The children:
When I would put the children to bed at night, they would ask "why cant Daddy live here too", the old familiar bed time routine along with tiredness would dislodge the plaster their Mother and Father had stuck on this deep wound. As advised by the experts, I explained that Mammy and Daddy have changed and don't love each other the way they used to so need to live apart but we both love you very very much. I try to work out what it was that I was feeling. I think it was guilt, guilt that I can't provide the traditional catholic home that has been drummed into me as a child. Are my children disadvantaged because of this wild demon I let loose. Will they not preform as well in life. Have I hurt them and damaged them on a level that has yet to surface. People say I'm very strong to have gone through this but, will my children see strength as conserving the family tree not, breaking its branches in half. Will they understand? As a family we would eat around the kitchen table, but now I prepare the dinner the night before so the childminder can reheat in my absence. I don't bother cooking when I'm on my own. There is no sense of purpose cooking for one. I remember us all sitting around the table. Their Dad liked to cook, he made authentic Thai curries and chicken garlic pasta, it wasn't so much the food that nourished the family, it was the stability of family life, that was the real nourishment, it feed their souls and hearts.
Chapter 5- Feeling alone:
I do try get out and socialise when I'm alone and children less but, I usually wind up feeling even more alone and isolated. I've been told by my mother that this feeling goes and you get strong. She too didn't conserve the family tree. She waited until the youngest of her six children turned 18. What she didn't realise was that I knew she was in a loveless marriage and very lonely for many years. I tried to learn from this and not pretend for another 12 years.
Chapter 4 - Finances:
I thought my husband would support me financially, possibly for ever. But he offered to pay his share in the mortgage and nothing more. You're a qualified successful consultant, paid very well I said to him and I'm just a Specialist. What I meant was, he's a man. And I'm just a woman. Not the type of thought I was happy to think seeing as I wanted my financial independence, yet in my financial vulnerability, it was the only thought in my head.
Chapter 3 - Stigma:
Six months later and Christmas is coming. There is something very family like about Christmas and this hits me hard. My first Christmas as a broken family. I see perfect family life all around me. I open the curtains and every morning I see it so clearly. Neighbours living the story in which they play their roles and their parts as husband and wife, father and mother. We're not part of that story any more, my children and I. Our story is one of 4. It was not always my story, since my earliest recollection in a traditional family of 6 with Mam and Dad, later as a wife and mother but, now I feel like an outsider. Looking at the other families I feel our stigma: we are like a gypsy caravan parked up among the houses, itinerant, temporary.
Chapter 2 - Accepting:
But life carries on and so did that christmas and the next. 20 months since that leap of faith and my story is one of accepting, accepting that I did not want to live a life in a love less marriage. For my children the old family routine is replaced with the comfort and familiarity of a new routine. It is one of support and love from both parents. My daughter still tries to put her fathers hand in mine in an effort to untrue the truth. But I hope when she is older she will also have the strength and courage to take a leap of faith to remain true to herself. The isolated house every 2nd weekend is not my spoils of the war anymore and the insecure feeling of being alone does not possess me. Seperating is not easy and the emotions are painful, anger, depression, sadness, isolation, blame. Be true to your feelings. Live the pain, get help and deal with it step by step. It all depends on your attitude, you can choose to hurdle to the ground and land in a heap, going through life blaming other's for your unhappiness or you could choose to land with your feet firmly on the ground, dust yourself off and learn from this chapter in your life and create a new beginning. The choice is yours. I have to end this chapter now; you see for a new story to begin, the old one must end.
Chapter 1 - New beginnings: ........................
It began with a feeling of relief. Relief that I didn't have to pretend anymore, it was now established that we had fallen out of love. There is a sense of relief in finally admitting it verbally to one another. For many years I had very successfully hidden the truth and when it tried to escape I would quickly lock this demon truth back in the closet where it belonged for I had 3 children to rear, a busy job and a house to run, besides I couldn't have this demon escape, I was too afraid of it, the very thought of it terrified me. The young teenager of 19 was now a 36 year old woman and a very different person in ways. But the feeling of relief in letting the demon truth out of the closet to run wild was soon replaced with a feeling of falling. For it ran straight to a cliff and jumped. The adrenalin of the initial jump replaced with a feeling of free falling with no control, breaking the branches of the family tree as I tried to defy gravity. And my children were falling with me, I could see the confusion in their hearts and eyes as we all hurdled to the fast approaching ground.
Chapter 6- The children:
When I would put the children to bed at night, they would ask "why cant Daddy live here too", the old familiar bed time routine along with tiredness would dislodge the plaster their Mother and Father had stuck on this deep wound. As advised by the experts, I explained that Mammy and Daddy have changed and don't love each other the way they used to so need to live apart but we both love you very very much. I try to work out what it was that I was feeling. I think it was guilt, guilt that I can't provide the traditional catholic home that has been drummed into me as a child. Are my children disadvantaged because of this wild demon I let loose. Will they not preform as well in life. Have I hurt them and damaged them on a level that has yet to surface. People say I'm very strong to have gone through this but, will my children see strength as conserving the family tree not, breaking its branches in half. Will they understand? As a family we would eat around the kitchen table, but now I prepare the dinner the night before so the childminder can reheat in my absence. I don't bother cooking when I'm on my own. There is no sense of purpose cooking for one. I remember us all sitting around the table. Their Dad liked to cook, he made authentic Thai curries and chicken garlic pasta, it wasn't so much the food that nourished the family, it was the stability of family life, that was the real nourishment, it feed their souls and hearts.
Chapter 5- Feeling alone:
I do try get out and socialise when I'm alone and children less but, I usually wind up feeling even more alone and isolated. I've been told by my mother that this feeling goes and you get strong. She too didn't conserve the family tree. She waited until the youngest of her six children turned 18. What she didn't realise was that I knew she was in a loveless marriage and very lonely for many years. I tried to learn from this and not pretend for another 12 years.
Chapter 4 - Finances:
I thought my husband would support me financially, possibly for ever. But he offered to pay his share in the mortgage and nothing more. You're a qualified successful consultant, paid very well I said to him and I'm just a Specialist. What I meant was, he's a man. And I'm just a woman. Not the type of thought I was happy to think seeing as I wanted my financial independence, yet in my financial vulnerability, it was the only thought in my head.
Chapter 3 - Stigma:
Six months later and Christmas is coming. There is something very family like about Christmas and this hits me hard. My first Christmas as a broken family. I see perfect family life all around me. I open the curtains and every morning I see it so clearly. Neighbours living the story in which they play their roles and their parts as husband and wife, father and mother. We're not part of that story any more, my children and I. Our story is one of 4. It was not always my story, since my earliest recollection in a traditional family of 6 with Mam and Dad, later as a wife and mother but, now I feel like an outsider. Looking at the other families I feel our stigma: we are like a gypsy caravan parked up among the houses, itinerant, temporary.
Chapter 2 - Accepting:
But life carries on and so did that christmas and the next. 20 months since that leap of faith and my story is one of accepting, accepting that I did not want to live a life in a love less marriage. For my children the old family routine is replaced with the comfort and familiarity of a new routine. It is one of support and love from both parents. My daughter still tries to put her fathers hand in mine in an effort to untrue the truth. But I hope when she is older she will also have the strength and courage to take a leap of faith to remain true to herself. The isolated house every 2nd weekend is not my spoils of the war anymore and the insecure feeling of being alone does not possess me. Seperating is not easy and the emotions are painful, anger, depression, sadness, isolation, blame. Be true to your feelings. Live the pain, get help and deal with it step by step. It all depends on your attitude, you can choose to hurdle to the ground and land in a heap, going through life blaming other's for your unhappiness or you could choose to land with your feet firmly on the ground, dust yourself off and learn from this chapter in your life and create a new beginning. The choice is yours. I have to end this chapter now; you see for a new story to begin, the old one must end.
Chapter 1 - New beginnings: ........................
