A Christmas Message from Separated.ie

There is no doubt that Christmas is probably the toughest time for those of us who have gone through or are going through separation and divorce.  By its nature, Christmas brings out the family instinct in us.  It transports us back to happier times of warmth and belonging.  It awakens nostalgic feelings of being part of something bigger, of being looked after, content, safe and nurtured.

Fear of facing our emotions

The idea of spending some of these special days alone, while your children are with your ex is extremely challenging.  These feelings of sadness can be difficult to hide and overcome.  According to psychotherapist Gayle Williamson, it’s often the fear of our emotions and what we do to avoid facing them that actually causes the most problems.  However, if we can acknowledge that yes - it will be difficult, sad and lonely, this can empower you to accept that you will get through it.  The alternative is to face it with panic and dread which only adds to the tension and increases the opportunity for conflict.  A good question to ask yourself is why you feel bad about missing something that in reality no longer delivered those basic elements of Christmas.  Decide to make new traditions on your own rather than lamenting the old ones.

Take time out to prepare emotionally

So along with all your other preparations, take some time out to prepare emotionally for the few days ahead.  Make a plan as to how you’re going to manage the regular ‘flashpoints’ that may arise.  Decide if you’re going to react in the same old way or if you’re going to rise above it for the sake of peace.  It’s all about your choices.  For example, if you choose to hold your tongue in a moment of conflict, you may feel stronger at the end of the day.  Every day you feel stronger is a good day and a major step towards a positive future.   Often alcohol, drugs and other vices can play a part in how the season pans out so again, decide on how best to manage these elements.

Put the Children at the centre of everything

Christmas is all about the children so it’s important to put them at the centre of everything.  That is fundamental to the success of the holidays. Resolve to make their experience a positive one, whether it is together as a family or as separate co-parents, ensuring that old conflicts are set aside, even temporarily.

Be kind to yourself

Most of all, be kind to yourself.  Reach out to family and friends. Get out and about, even for a walk – fresh air always helps. You are not alone.  There is a whole community of us. 

Make it your New Year’s Resolution to attend one of our ‘meet-up’ events to meet other people going through the process.

Remember, there is a life, most often a better life after Separation and Divorce, it’s just up to us to choose it.

Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas.

Best wishes

Trich Kearns

Founder, Separated.ie