Housing Options And New Living Arrangements

Concerns around new living arrangements is a major worry when relationships break down.

SHORT TERM

In the short term, many couples continue to live together in the family home until they are ready or able to physically move out.  Often, couples need this breathing space to find out more about their individual options and as a way of easing into the process.

However, depending on the state of the relationship, this arrangement can cause further strain on the couple and often their children, so it is advisable to make this a temporary measure and to agree a date when this arrangement will end.

Having The Kids Live With Both Parents

It also allows children to live with both parents in this new ‘separated’ state, and gives them an opportunity to ask questions of both parents and express their fears.

More recently though, with the economic downturn, more and more couples are being forced to choose this option on a longer term scale due to financial difficulties, negative equity and employment for example. Naturally, the success of this arrangement depends very much on how willing both parties are to work together and if they can communicate effectively.

In most cases we have come across it doesn’t work and only causes further stress to the entire family, particularly the children who are now caught in the middle on an ongoing basis, and deepens anger and resentment making life unbearable, which has far reaching problems down the line.

However, If You Have No Choice But To Live Together But Emotionally Apart, You Both Need To Agree Some Guidelines:

• Clearly define the relationship: Agree that you both share the house but can live separate lives. You no longer need to inform the other what you are doing or where you are going. You may still do things together for the sake of the children but mostly, you do your own thing and have your own space. This can take time to evolve but once the ground rules are in place, it is a map to guide you. 
• Define the space: Depending on the living space available, you need to clearly define who goes where. Naturally sleeping arrangements will be the first thing to be decided, but things like who gets the living room with the bigger TV for example need to be firmed up. Bathrooms, cooking arrangements if they are no longer together all need to be discussed and agreed on for this situation to work. 
• Dating: Most people would agree that in this circumstance it is not appropriate for either party to bring a date home so this needs to be part of the discussion, no matter how thorny that might be!
• Define interactions with the children: Discuss how child care, baby sitting and family time will be handled. Who will do what activities and when. Write it down so there can be no mistaking who is responsible for each event. The devil is in the detail!
• House maintenance: Who cleans, does the laundry, pays the bills etc. all need to be discussed and agreed.
• Be willing to Compromise: Even if you manage to agree a solid framework, there will be fine tuning required so ideally take time each week to meet and discuss the forthcoming week and if schedules need to be adjusted due to working arrangements etc

On a positive note, making a success of this arrangement can give you great preparation for when things eventually change and you do end up living apart.

LONGER TERM OPTIONS:

Naturally, there is no ‘one size fits all’ solution. It depends on a number of things such as whether you rent or own your home, whether the children will be living with you or not, what your financial situation is and what your rights are.

Generally, the options boil down to:

• 1) You stay in the house and your partner moves out
• 2) You move out and your partner stays in the family home
• 3) You both leave the family home and find new homes
• 4) One of you leaves with the option of returning at a later date.

It is not always the case that the family home must be sold after separation – it very much depends on ages of children, financial circumstances etc.

Mainly, the spouse with whom the children reside will be given the right to remain in the family home until the youngest child reaches 18 or 23 if they remain in full time education. The home is protected under the

Family Home Protection Act 1976 so neither party can sell the home without the others consent. However depending on the relationship, access issues to the house such as the ex partner still having a key to gain access to the house whenever they want need to be agreed and often need the assistance of the courts if an amicable arrangement cannot be reached.

In our experience, most often, the dad is the one to move out and the mum stays in the family home with the children. Understanding your legal position and the financial consequences of any decisions you make will be an important part of your negotiations with your partner.

Before going straight to a solicitor, we recommend you attend a family mediator who will help analyse the financial situation and make realistic recommendations.