Opposite Viewpoints

Once separation has happened, often both parties find themselves in different places emotionally and psychologically. Although most people experience similar stages of adjustment, they generally happen at different times for both sides and with varying levels of intensity.

Some see themselves as the ‘victims’ of marriage breakdown while others see themselves as the ‘beneficiaries’. Some see separation as a failure while others consider it an essential escape hatch from a crushing situation.

The 'Leaver' Will Be More Prepared

The ‘Leaver’ i.e. the person initiating the split is likely to be more psychologically and emotionally prepared for this change in that they have been increasingly unhappy in the marriage for a long time, and will have gradually withdrawn from the relationship.

By the time it happens therefore, they have already worked through many of the stages of sadness and loss, and while they will experience great guilt and fear of change, they will also experience relief that it has finally happened.

The 'Left' Will Be In Disbelief

The ‘Left’ on the other hand may have never acknowledged that the relationship was in such difficulty, and put down the gradual withdrawal of their spouse as a temporary measure, or a normal stage that couples go through. Their emotions range from anger, disbelief, outward blame to hope that their spouse will see sense and reconcile.

They see their spouse as having ‘turned their life upside down’ and their emotional and psychological journey through this process is only beginning.

Naturally, this means very different experiences for both parties which is why legal issues and child related decisions become so difficult at this time. One party is in acceptance mode while the other is opposing these circumstances with all their might.

The 'Left' and The 'Leaver' Will Be In Different Worlds

The leaver may not understand why the other is being so unreasonable. They consider that the break up was inevitable and can’t believe that the other did not see it coming. While they may have a plan to remain on friendly terms with their spouse, because they have moved further along the emotional treadmill, their spouse may still be at the hurt and anger stage and have no such desire just yet.

The Left however is experiencing this situation in very different circumstances and because they are ill prepared, often this emotional breakdown lasts longer. They see their spouse as cold and calculating having planned this almost behind their back.

The feel rejection which is magnified by the fact that their spouse has it all worked out and wants to move on as quickly as possible. They have questions as to how their relationship ended up like this but are not getting the answers they want. They need time to digest these new circumstances and can’t see how they can possible remain friends.

Given these vastly varying emotional circumstances offers some understanding why conflict so often gets in the way of separation agreements and why communication becomes so difficult.