Separated at Christmas

Christmas can be stressful time of the year for anyone, regardless of whatever your relationship status is but when you’re in the separated or divorced arena, and facing Christmas as a newly single parent, stress and anxiety go to a whole new level.  We’ve all felt the stress of pleasing the in-laws, producing the perfect Christmas meal, or just trying to keep that smile plastered on your face, despite the emotions battling away inside.  Add to that the new dilemma of you and your ex are squaring off over who gets the children for Christmas, it’s a whole new ball game you never anticipated you’d be playing!

So before you and your ex get into another match of who can shout the loudest try to keep in mind some of the following:

• It’s not all about you
  While this may ruffle some feathers, but from the moment you brought a life into this world it stopped being about you and everything became all about them. Your children deserve their celebrations even if you feel cheated out of yours. Encourage them to have fun with their other parent, even if you can’t stand the thought of being alone. Do not guilt your children about the decision they make, they already have it hard enough trying to decide.
  
  
• It’s not a competition
  For some it will definitely feel like a competition, especially during those first few years after the separation or divorce. When you two try to compete over who can buy the better gifts it only ends up making your kids feel uncomfortable. If your ex wants to play those games be the bigger person, show them that their petty antics have no effect over you.
  
  
• Smooth out transitions
  Going back and forth between household can be a real challenge for kids – especially during Christmas. Think ahead about how you can help your kids smoothly transition to the other parent’s home. Do not make a big fuss when they have to leave and make them feel guilty about seeing their other parent. Sometimes you will get the short end of the stick but put a smile on for them, and let them know that you will be fine and enjoy their time with their other parent.
  
  
• Ask them how they feel about Christmas
  Through all the chaos going through your life it can be easy to forget how difficult it is on your kids. Remember you are both in uncharted territory. So ask them how they are doing with Christmas approaching, it will give you good perspective on maybe how you and your ex have been handling custody of them for Christmas. You might be surprised to find out that they are stressing out over trying to please both of you. And having to decide who they want spend Christmas with, because no matter what, they will hurt one of your feelings. Perhaps they are dreading it, knowing they wont see one of their parents or having to disrupt the festivities to fulfill some obligations that they had no say in.  Remember, divorce isn’t easy on anyone, but it will get better.
  
  
• Embrace your singleness
  Some view being single as a curse. Instead, think of it as an opportunity, be the person you have always wanted to be. There is no one to answer to, no one to take into consideration but yourself and your children. If you are not able to surround yourself with people and celebrations spend your time making plans. There is a new year right around the corner. Where do you want to be this time next year? Why not spend any alone time setting goals and making plans for getting what you want out of the coming year. Whatever you do during Christmas remember, it is up to you whether you find joy, peace, and happiness. All you have to do is go looking for it. It is there waiting for all of us. Not just during Christmas but all year long.
  
  

• Find your Christmas joy
  The first step toward celebrating instead of dreading Christmas is to get out there and participate. Go through party invitations and accept the ones that will mean being surrounded by positive, upbeat, energetic friends. Decline all invitations from friends who are downers, can’t find blessing no matter what happens in their lives. If they bring you down, you don’t want them around during Christmas. If you don’t get any invitations then plan your own Christmas or New Years party. What better way to get your mind off being single during Christmas than planning a party and inviting all those fun, upbeat friends?
  
  
• Be thankful for what is going right in your life
  When you are going through a separation or divorce it may feel like your whole life is falling apart. Like everything you built is crumbling down to your feet. As easy as it may be to feel for sorry yourself during Christmas, I encourage you to not be a victim. You will get through, it will get easier. But for the moment when it feels like nothing is going right, focus on what is. Even if all you have to be thankful for is your health, that is still a lot better than many people in the world – and there are quite a few who would trade places just for that.
  
  
• Make new traditions
  The idea of doing all the same traditions that you used to do with your significant other can be very depressing this time of the year. Watching It’s a Wonderful Life alone, regardless of how fantastic a film it is, can be a bit dreary when you’ve got no one to share the wonderful moment of when everyone from Bedford Falls comes together to help out George Bailey in his time of need. So instead start a new tradition this year with your kids, your friends, or whomever you hold near a dear to your heart. However do not think that you have throw out all your old traditions. Carrying on a piece of Christmas that you always enjoyed doesn’t have to be a painful reminder of what used to be, but instead a warm memory of the past.
  
  
• Don’t sulk in the loneliness
  If you are not able to spend Christmas with your kids, and the thought of facing your family without them is too painful then don’t. I know it is Christmas and you’re supposed to spend it with those you love and who love you but sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way. So instead take a break from life, enjoy your Christmas doing something you’ve always wanted to do. Cross something off your bucket list. You do not have to have a budget as wide as your waist band after a big Christmas feast. Driving out to the coast and just watching the wave’s crash onto the shore can have effects on you that I cannot even put into words.