Separated but not yet Divorced? Is that a Risky Date?

In Ireland, because the time gap between separation and divorce is so long, we generally find ourselves dating people who are Separated but not yet Divorced, but is this emotional dynamite? 

Some people have a view that it takes the full four years in order to be ‘ready’ to move on with someone new, but there are others who feel that once the marriage is over – there is no point in hanging around, and they get stuck in straight away!

In reality, there’s no one size fits all rule and everyone has different views and circumstances. Some people who are just out of a marriage may be more emotionally available than someone further down the separation journey so it’s important not to jump to judgement too quickly.

Here are a few standard rules to follow that might help navigate this minefield:

1.Don’t base your decision on the length of time the person is separated. Judge for yourself if the person is emotionally ready or if they are still raw, angry, or are mourning the end of their marriage. We’ve all met those people who have been separated and divorced for 10 years or more and you ‘d think it had only recently happened. They are caught in the bitter and angry cycle of having become a victim of their circumstances. They are consumed by the resentment and hate for their ex-partner. Even people who hold down successful new relationships can still act and behave this way but in general people who have completely let go of that part of their lives are a safer bet.

A timescale is not a barometer of emotional availability.

2.If the person is still living with their ex – this is probably a red flag. Of course – with the current housing crisis and difficulties in availability of rental accommodation this can be a practical issue but in general, be wary.

3. If they haven’t yet become legally separated, then there is always a possibility that they could get back together. There may be good reasons as to why this has not happened as yet but in reality it’s a risky venture. However, any ex couple could get back together at any time so legal documents don’t prevent reconciliation. Every situation is unique and relationships – ex or not – don’t come with any guarantees!

4. If their anger at their ex is overwhelming them – this could be a problem. It’s a clear indicator that they are ‘trapped’ in their old world and not ready or willing to move on. This could cause problems as it is also an indication that they are not emotionally available.

5. If they continuously talk about their ex. This is a definite no no. This indicates that they most likely still have feelings for their ex and have not accepted the relationship breakdown. To be avoided.

In general – there are no hard and fast rules. It doesn’t make sense to be too hasty in refusing a date with someone based on how long their relationship has ended, once you keep an open mind. You could be passing up on a nice experience. Trust your gut. Even if your date falls into any of the above categories there is no indicator that one size fits all so go with your own instinct. It’s always good advice to be honest both with yourself and your date. If you can have this kind of conversation with the person, you’ll know pretty quickly which category they fall into – they’re either ready to move on or not regardless of the time frame involved. It’s all about common sense and not expecting too much too soon. Just relax and enjoy being back on the dating scene.

Happy Hunting!