Separation: Is it the Beginning of the End or a New Beginning for the Relationship?

Separation is a tough road to navigate but it does not always have to end in divorce.  If both parties are committed to solving their problems and finding a way through, then a period of trial separation can be a good idea.  It allows couples time and space to figure things out alone, in the hope of saving the relationship.  It gives  both parties a taste of what life would be like without the other person and getting distance from an ongoing painful and conflicting situation can provide enough perspective to bring you back together weeks or months later.  Oftentimes it does work and couples reunite with renewed commitment and forgiveness, and improved communication skills.  

However, in most cases, by the time it comes to separation, the relationship is beyond saving.  On average, couples wait six years before seeking help for marriage problems and relationship counsellors agree that more marriages would be saved if intervention was sought earlier.

Whether you view separation as the end or the opportunity for a new beginning depends on whether you see yourself as the ‘victim’ of marriage breakdown, or the ‘beneficiary’ of the split.  Some consider separation as a failure while others see it as an essential escape hatch from a crushing situation.

The one who wants the split will be more prepared

The person initiating the split will be psychologically and emotionally prepared and ready to embrace a new beginning and less invested in saving the relationsihip. While the person being ‘left’ may never have acknowledged that the relationship was in trouble and put down the gradual withdrawal of their spouse as a temporary measure.  They are more likely to use the separation as a trial period, in the hope that that it will be a new beginning rather than the end.

Where ever you see yourself in the conflict - be warned.  Entering the Separation arena is no mean feat. It is a turbulent and overwhelming period that crushes self-esteem, erodes confidence and can take years to get through and come out the other end.  For many, it’s the beginning of a journey of personal growth and self-discovery and leads to renewed strength and vigour for life.  These people go on to lead bigger and better lives than ever before.  Others struggle to get through the process and remain stuck in a world of fear and conflict, full of rash emotional decisions driven out anger and resentment against the other person.

Pick your battles carefully!

Everyone gets through it one way or the other so make your choice.  Is it your new beginning or the beginning of the end? Pick your battles carefully!