Should we stay or should we go? That is the question!

With the knowledge of hindsight, for those who have completed the separation journey, many couples look back and wonder why we stayed together for so long.  Why were we so unsure about what to do when the obvious solution was staring us in the face?

As separated people, this is generally the torment of the last few years of marriage.  Weighing up the pro’s and con’s of one or other of us going versus staying.  What will the outcome be?  How will I cope alone?  How will the children react?  Will they survive? Will any of us survive?   What about the finances?  Can we afford to separate? What does the future look like?  And the list goes on.

Society has led us to believe that the very foundation of our children’s wellbeing is to keep our family together, living happily under one roof, in a cozy environment with home fires burning.  So, most people agree - they stay for the children. It goes back to the marriage vow’s – till death do us part.  We desperately want it to work.  We want to grow old with the one we chose to marry and bring up our children in a happy home.  That’s the ideal! And it takes a while for the realisation to kick in that this is not actually how our life as a family is going to pan out.

Staying

Staying in a toxic relationship is a kind of slow erosion of everything we consider a relationship to be.  Bit by bit all the emotions are closed down, fun, laughter, warmth, friendship, love are all eliminated until finally there’s nothing left between you.  

We then find coping mechanisms – alcohol, new groups of friends, new interests – separately!  Outwardly we strive to maintain the varnish of a happy couple but eventually this cracks and crumbles too and is replaced neatly be a thriving hostile resentment.  Overtime, the longing for something the other can no longer provide trumps our ability to pretend that all is well.

The example to our children?

When we consider how this must look and feel to those who share our homes – our children, the question becomes even greater.  What kind of example are we setting them in terms of what a ‘good’ relationship should look like.  If they’re exposed to constant bickering, boiling resentments, arguments, stony silences, etc. – what is this toxic environment doing to our children and their life expectations. By staying together – we’re teaching them this version of what a marriage or relationship should look like.

Leaving for the Sake of the Children.

Therefore instead of staying for the children, often it’s better to ‘leave’ for the sake of the children!  

Be honest with them about the reality of the situation?  Explain to them that we really tried to keep it together but we just couldn’t.  This says so much more about us as people.  It speaks so honestly about our strength of character, more so than the weakness of our relationship.  It teaches our children that it’s ok to say we did our very best but It didn’t work.

This demonstrates that tough decisions are often the best way forward, for each of you as individuals and for the family as a whole, as you move on to better lives as individuals living happily ever after – apart!