The Death of your ‘Ex’. Do you have a right to Grieve?

The Death of your ‘Ex’. Do you have a right to Grieve?

The death and loss of your ex-husband or wife presents a very delicate situation and the level of grief can be surprising. 

Even if you have moved on and are in new relationships, the fact that you once shared love, had a wealth of life experiences together, means that the portion of your life dedicated to that person still forms an integral part of the fabric of your own life. When a death occurs, the spotlight is once more put back on this period of your life. You reflect on the host of memories tucked away in the back of your mind, or in photo albums long untouched. This person was at one point a major force in your life’s story and now even though that story may have ended long ago, the death can still be experienced as a loss, particularly if children are involved.

However, there are also feelings of guilt and confusion as to why we feel this loss? Have we not given up on this person in our lives and made the difficult choice to continue life without them? Do you have a ‘right’ to feel this grief when you are no longer a family or are part of each other’s lives? It doesn’t seem to make sense that we should grieve and yet it seems that’s the reality.

Susan Brink’s of HuffPost.com describes her reaction to her ex-husband’s death:

“I wondered at my grief, as unexpected as the death itself. We have been married for 14years, and separated for 34, yet his loss hit me harder than the three most grievous deaths I’ve known: my sister, my mother and my best friend”.

Susan puts this down to the type of relationship they manufactured post-divorce while bringing up their four children together. She says that even though the romantic relationship ended and both moved on with new partners, a new kind of love or respect developed which had gone unacknowledged and unnoticed until his untimely death.

But just as people experience grief differently, people also handle it differently so there is no one size fits all solution and everyone’s family dynamic is unique. Some people have reported that they are unable to mourn outwardly for fear of being criticised, and only indulged their sadness in private.

If there are children involved it’s important to remember that they have lost a parent who they loved and adored and are experiencing tremendous loss – even if you are not. For their sake It’s important to focus on the happy memories of good times you shared together, fun events and family celebrations, in an effort to acknowledge that their life was important to your life and the time you shared together mattered and shaped both of you.

Where do you fit at the Funeral?

It’s also crucial to remember that no matter how you are feeling about the loss of your former spouse, you are no longer a member of the family. Unless you have a particularly close relationship with your ex in-laws, or you are accompanying your children who need your support and presence, it is not recommended that you involve yourself in the arrangements or sit with the family near the front of the church. These seats are customarily reserved for immediate family and close friends. 

The key is to balance your own feelings and need to grieve with sensitivity to the family.

If you think your presence at the funeral will cause the family pain or discomfort, then the general consensus is to not to go. The immediate family’s needs and wishes must take priority. Expressing condolences and bringing mass cards or flowers is always appropriate. If you are not on good terms with the family, you should send a note of sympathy.

And always observe normal funeral protocol – never speak ill of the dead!