When did you know that your Marriage was over?

I get asked this question often when I announce myself as separated.  People seem fascinated as to when exactly we decided the marriage was not working.  As if we woke up one day and decided to end it there in them.  If only it was that easy!

However, whatever the scenario, most people looking back with real honesty can acknowledge the moment or period of time when they knew the relationship was in  trouble and seriously questioned if they could keep going for the rest of their lives in this situation.

From the outset:

Some people (in hindsight naturally!) say they know from the outset – even before they were married. The signs were there right from the start but they chose to ignore them.  They tried to make it work one way or another and as a result, overcompensated for the bad stuff that was staring them in the face and closed their minds to the obvious cracks.

Blindsided:

Others say they were completely blindsided.  They believed themselves to be in a happy functioning relationship without a care in the world. They never saw any trouble coming down the tracks or realized their partner was considering separation.  

Over the years:

Most couples fall somewhere between both these scenarios.  You started out with great intentions, full of love and hope for a ‘happy ever after’ life with this person.   But as the years passed, you both found less and less in common and grew apart or realised you had different life ambitions.  It’s easy to get swept along by the day to day life of a marriage and it takes time to really acknowledge that this is in fact a failing relationship.  No-one wants to be in that place. We want so badly to make it work that we ignore situations that are toxic in favour of getting on with it.  We turn a blind eye and hope it’s just  a phase and that these feelings will pass. This is especially true when children are involved as no-one wants to break up a family.

But then over a period of time, you slowly realise that the relationship is unsustainable and the idea of separating grows legs.  You begin considering what life would be like on your own.  Often, there is usually one final event or incident that does become the final straw and the decision is made.  There is no particular time frame within which this can happen.  Every situation is individual.  

You just know when you know!

Here are some common indicators that the marriage is in trouble:

The ‘Team’ spirit is gone.

‘Managing’ a life together is very much like being part of a team.  Both of you have to pull in the same direction to make it work. When one or other decides to pull in a different direction, then the team falls apart.  This means serious trouble.

The ‘Friendship’ is gone.

You prefer to socialise apart then together.  You’ve disconnected from each other to such a degree that you both have separate social circles that rarely come together and that suits you fine.  

You avoid time alone together.

You change your roster/kids activities/evening schedules to make sure your paths cross as little as possible.

You’re constantly bickering and fighting:

Every situation, no matter how trivial, ends in some sort of row that never seems to become resolved the way they used to.  You find yourself becoming irritated, throwing your eyes up to heaven, snapping at almost everything your partner says and does.

You’re full of resentment and negativity towards your partner:

You overly criticise your partners actions either verbally or sub consciously.  You use sarcasm and negative comments to cause a reaction.  You both continuously bring up hurtful events from the past relishing old battle grounds with no real desire to resolve the issues.

Have you both changed so much that you no longer share the same ambitions and lifestyle values.

This is particularly difficult when children are involved as you both plan their paths through life and should ideally be on the same page – more or less.

The respect is gone.

You constantly feel dismissed, rejected or condescended to.

The idea of a ‘date night’ is horrifying!